"we wish you a morbid christmas . . ."

Christmas break has arrived, and we all know what that means, yes?

Well, 
a) it means that I am halfway though my sophomore year of college {weird}, 
and, more importantly, 
b) it means that it is finally time to tackle my rather substantial reading list.


Ah . . . this is why I love Christmas break. There exists absolutely nothing too pressing or important to pull me away from the glorious stack of books on my bedside table.


This year's pervading theme?
Morbid literature. And yes, I do find this to be slightly ironic. 
{'Tis the season to be jolly?}

• The Martian Chronicles - Ray Bradbury
• The October Country - Ray Bradbury
• Edgar Allen Poe short stories
• That Hideous Strength - C.S. Lewis
• Candide - Voltaire (if I have time . . . at least this one isn't really morbid, just satirical)

Looking at this list, I have also come to the realization that I have apparently developed a taste for science fiction that is slightly more sophisticated than Doctor Who or Star Wars, which is most definitely a good thing . . . though I do plan to watch those movies before I head back to school.
I should probably stop there before I give away just how much of a nerd I truly am. 


So, why morbid literature? You mean, other than the fact that I enjoy creepy stories? 
I'm so glad you asked.
I love morbid literature because real life doesn't always end "happily ever after", and I'm pretty sure that it hardly ever ends the way you expect it to. Furthermore, man is not by nature good. Apart from God, can man ever be truly happy? Will he ever find the answers? How does man react to stressful and/or cataclysmic situations when his reality and his morals are completely subjective? Personally, I find the different answers submitted by various authors through the vehicle of morbid and/or distopian literature to be fascinating.


And besides . . . it's just a really good read.

"And the snake who'd held the world, a stick, a carrot, and a string was crushed beneath the foot of Your not wanting anything."

Sometimes, lack of motivation and focus yields glorious discoveries. 

Translation of the above sentence:
"Instead of filling out study guides for my History of Popular Music class, I was searching for bands with lyrics that probe slightly deeper than 'I love you/You, you/You love me, we're a happy family . . .', and I discovered mewithoutYou." 

Actually, I discovered mewithoutYou a few months ago, but I hadn't really had the time to pay close attention to what their songs were saying; I was just intrigued by their sound. Once I started really listening to the words, I was even more intrigued. 
[So, naturally, I decided to blog about it. Because, apparently, I have nothing better to do . . .]

My favorite song of theirs, so far, is "A Stick, A Carrot, and A String". I don't understand why, if there are songs like this out there, Christian radio stations are still playing the same Michael W. Smith songs that they were playing when I was 4.

A Stick, a Carrot, and a String

The horse's hay beneath his head
Our Lord was born to a manger bed
That all whose wells run dry
Could drink of his supply.

To keep him warm, the sheep drew near
So grateful for His coming here
Come with news of grace
Come to take my place.
 
The donkey whispered in his ear
"Child, in 30-some-odd years
You'll ride someone who looks like me,
Untriumphantly."

The cardinals warbled a joyful song
He'll make right what man made wrong
Bringing low the hills
That the valleys might be filled.

Then "Child", asked the birds
"Well, aren't they lovely words we sing?"
The tiny baby layed there
Without saying anything.

At a distance stood a mangy goat
With the crooked teeth and a matted coat
Weary eyes and worn
Chipped and twisted horns.

Thinking "Maybe I'll make friends someday
With the cows and the hens and the rambouillet
But for now, I'll keep away
I've got nothing smart to say."

But there's a sign on the barn in the cabbage town
"When the rain picks up
And the sun goes down
Sinners, come inside
With no money, come and buy.

No clever talk, nor a gift to bring,
Requires our lowly, lovely king
Come now empty handed,
You don't need anything."

And the night was cool
And clear as glass
With the sneaking snake in the garden grass
Deep cried out to deep
The disciples fast asleep.

And the snake perked up
When he heard You ask
"If You're willing that this cup might pass
We could find our way back home,
Maybe start a family all our own.

But does not the Father guide the Son?
Not my will, but Yours be done.
What else here to do?
What else me, but You?"

And the snake who'd held the world 
A stick, a carrot and a string
Was crushed beneath the foot
Of your not wanting anything.


Did you read the lyrics? I mean really read them. More than once. And think about them.
I know the more times I read them, the more I discovered.
For example ~ 
The reference to our inability to do anything to deserve or impress Christ:

Then "Child", asked the birds
"Well, aren't they lovely words we sing?"
The tiny baby lay there
Without saying anything.

The goat who thinks he has nothing to offer and so cannot come to the child, and yet:

  But there's a sign on the barn in the cabbage town
"When the rain picks up
And the sun goes down
Sinners, come inside
With no money, come and buy.

No clever talk, nor a gift to bring,
Requires our lowly, lovely king
Come now empty handed,

You don't need anything."

My favorite line is definitely the very last stanza:

And the snake who'd held the world 

A stick, a carrot and a string
Was crushed beneath the foot
Of your not wanting anything.

Satan (the snake) is holding "a stick, a carrot, and a string". I think it could refer to both a) the fact that Satan 'rules' over the fallen world by enticing and tempting us, and Christ crushed his power so that we could resist the temptation, and b) that Satan tempted Christ with earthly power and escape from the cross, yet Christ came that His Father's will might be done, above all else, and refused to be enticed by any earthly desires.

Obviously, there was a great deal of thought and care put into the writing of these lyrics.

(A writer far better than I can ever dream of being was clearly involved.) It's songs like this that save me from complete despair. I don't know about you, but I dream of a brighter future, where musical/lyrical excellence and Christian music are not so far removed from one another. 

Postscript:

Ironically, while mewithoutYou has managed to create the above song, full of so much truth, they are also incredibly theologically confused.

Just as a warning, if you look up their album, like I did, don't be surprised to find a song entitled "Allah, Allah, Allah" listed.

. . . they are definitely confused. On so many levels . . . 

 

"And now unto Him, who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ask, or even imagine . . ."

"Lead, Lord, with unfailing love

those that You have ransomed.

And we will sing out as we go on,

Our God is Faithful!

OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL!"

Sometimes {not as often as I should be} I am simply overwhelmed by God's love and provision and FAITHFULNESS. Oh, He is faithful! Even when we cannot understand, and we are stressed or hurting, He is always faithful to do as He has promised. "For His eye is on the sparrow; and I know He watches me!"

And, He is sovereign. Sovereign. Over everything. Small things. Large things. Grades, competitions, futures. Tree limbs.

EVERYTHING. PERIOD. END OF SENTENCE. END OF DISCUSSION.

We serve a God that is infinite, in every way.

May He continue to teach me to rest in His wisdom, sovereignty, and faithfulness.

"When My world is shaking,

Heaven stands.

And when my heart is breaking, 

I never leave Your Hands."  

This is why I read {good} books . . .

"My fear was now of another kind. I felt sure that the creature was what we call 'good', but I wasn't sure whether I liked 'goodness' so much as I had supposed. This is a very terrible experience. As long as what you are afraid of is something evil, you may still hope that the good may come to your rescue. But suppose you struggle through to the good and find that it also is dreadful?  How if food itself turns out to be the very thing you can't eat, and home the very place you can't live, and your very comforter the person who makes you uncomfortable? Then, indeed, there is no rescue possible: the last card has been played."

~ Perelandra - C. S. Lewis

They just don't write science fiction like they used to . . .

"First electricity, now telephones. Sometimes I feel as if we were living in an H. G. Wells novel."

Well, I bought a Kindle.

Ugh, the literature purist inside me is cringing even now . . . 

My justification is this: as a college student who moves around more than I ever have before in my life, this is, well, practical.
I can now read the good translation of Anna Karenina while standing in the cafeteria line, rather than having to tote the 3-inch thick print version.  
{plus, it even has all the footnotes as links in the text}

Also, I can now bring far more books with me to school than before. Theoretically, I could bring over 3,000 books with me . . .

Furthermore, though it is, of course, still not the same as reading a physical book, the E-ink format is pretty cool. It looks almost exactly like a paper book page, and there is no glare when reading in the sunlight. 

{definitely get the Kindle, not the Nook, if you're going to get one. It somehow feels like less of a betrayal . . .}

So.

It got me thinking . . . 

Can we not have ANYTHING that remains non-electronic/automated/internet compatible?

I mean, for crying out loud, we can't even open and close our own car doors anymore. 

Sometimes I feel like the science fiction movies and tv shows aren't that far fetched . . .

But anyway, back to my purchase.

Yes, I bought one. Yes, I like it. Yes, I still brought an entire box full of books to school with me. Yes, I bought a physical book the day after I bought the Kindle.

I will always buy books and stack them on my shelves, beds, tables, floors, any flat surface.

But, I bought it.
So sue me.

How did C. S. Lewis know exactly how to say EVERYTHING?

"For they (art and music) are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."

~ C.S. Lewis

 

I have nothing to add to this:

A. It speaks for itself.

B. I'm not sure I can completely wrap my mind around it. 

Victory is mine. Mine, I tell you.

I have completed Dracula. Yes.
Now, you should go read it, because it is phenomenal. 

Interesting fact to consider: At least in my experience, it is the first 'monster/horror', and most definitely the first vampire story, that I have ever read in which God is so prominent. The vampire is a cursed creature, a creature of the devil. Thus they fight it with sacred objects - the Wafer of the Eucharist, the Crucifix, etc. {Granted, it smacks heavily of Catholicism, with all the symbolism . . . but the principle remains the same. At least they never pray to Mary . . .}
The heroes pray to God regularly, and comfort themselves in the face of danger by remembering that God's Will will be done in everything.
Interesting. Refreshing. Representative of a worldview that is sadly out-dated in the eyes of our culture.

And don't worry, it doesn't usually take nearly as long to read as it took me . . .

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish this Doctor Who episode . . .

The sabotage of my summer reading list . . .

So, my list has morphed quite a bit. 
I'm STILL trying to finish Dracula. Not that I don't love it, I really do, but I keep getting distracted . . . by Doctor Who. I have watched 4 whole seasons, much to my dismay. I'm still definitely a loyal David Tennant fan - come on, he wore converse with his suit! - but I'll admit to being quite partial to this Matt Smith person. He's quite good. 

[if someone could please explain to me why I am so fascinated by this British science fiction drama, of all things, I would much appreciate it]

Ahem, anyways . . . the reading list.

Basically, I've simply omitted a few selections, and added on one or two.
- Madame Bovary, Shirley, and Green Dolphin Street are probably not going to be read this summer, but they will be someday, most definitely.
- I read Til We Have Faces by C. S. Lewis, which was quite possibly one of the greatest books I have ever read.
- I am sort of re-reading Never Let Me Go, mostly because I really want to write a blog post about that one . . . an interesting look at how a world without a Christian worldview defines humanity and individual worth. Fascinating.
- I really want to start Anna Karenina still, and perhaps continue to wade through it during my 'free' time this semester. [HA! Free time? What's that?]

*sigh* I haven't made nearly as much headway as I was hoping for . . .


Oh . . . curse the day that I discovered The Doctor and his blue box.

 

 

And so it begins . . .

The first of my college friends got engaged today. A fellow classmate of 2014, no less.

Times, they are a-changing . . .

Summer break is a marvelous invention

I have big plans for this summer . . . in the form of a reading list. 

Oh, how I've missed that feeling. You know, when you just lose yourself in a really good book for the first time?

Some of my favorite memories are tied to books:

~ the first time I read an Austen novel

~ the first time I read Wuthering Heights
{BEFORE the 'Twilight' saga made it "cool" to like it}
~ reading A Wrinkle in Time for the 40th time

So, my list . . .

In Progress
The Help
Dracula
The Thirteenth Tale [re-read]

Completed
Never Let Me Go


Waiting in a stack by my bed
Hood
Anna Karenina
Green Dolphin Street
Madame Bovary

I guess I should park myself in the hammock chair and get going . . .

A post in which I probably assign much more depth to this film than even its writers intended . . .

{I've been meaning to write a post about this movie from some time . . . I just have so many thoughts on the subject, it's an overwhelming task to get them all organized.}

Ah, where to even begin???

Well, aesthetically speaking, I loved An Education. The cinematography was - in my humble, uneducated opinion - absolutely beautiful. And the acting . . . Besides the fact that I love Carey Mulligan and will forever sing her praises? 
{Plus, she is just so adorable}
In all seriousness, I found overall the performances to be superb, even in the minor roles. Especially Carey Mulligan's portrayal of Jenny and her gradual, conscious loss of innocence is one that stays with you, long after the film is over.

{As an aside, has anyone else noticed that Peter Sarsgaard always plays the same character? The seemingly good guy who ends up being a fraud or the bad guy . . . or the 3rd incarnation of a black voodoo doctor . . . }

The soundtrack is also very good - a collection of original scores (Jenny's Theme is a standout in my mind), period-appropriate songs - including some French artists (Jenny is a fan of French singers . . . and really anything French and 'sophisticated'), and some more modern, indie type songs - all of which work perfectly with the mood of the film.
{I'm not even going to begin on the costumes . . . Like the dress seen above . . . to die for}

Once you step away from the aesthetics and get into the substance of the film, that's when it gets tricky. On the one hand, it's thought-provoking and haunting and for the most part tastefully done. On the other hand, it deals with some pretty intense stuff. 
Which brings one to the never ending dilemma of anyone philosophically or artistically minded: Where is the line? When have you crossed into the dangerous realm of "Art for the sake of art"?
Anyway, more on that later.

So, the actual substance of the film . . .
The basic plot, if you're not familiar with the film, is the story of an English school girl's relationship with an older [con]man. The story is actually based on an article by British journalist Lynn Barber in which she relates her affair with conman Simon Prewalski as a young woman. 
{Spoilers are ahead. I am going into some issues that necessarily give away the end of the film, so if you were planning on seeing it and you don't want to know what happens, then you should stop reading here.}
In the movie, 16 year old Jenny is pursued by 30-something David Goldman. He is charming and sympathetic, and she is starved for intellectual stimulation and understanding. He preys on her bright mind and appreciation for literature and the fine arts, taking her to concerts, art auctions, and even to Paris. It's not long before the viewer and Jenny both discover what David really is - a conman. He and his friends steal antiques and works of art and re-sell them. Once Jenny knows, you can almost see the struggle in her head, rationalizing, explaining away the obvious illegality of David's 'profession'. She pushes her boundaries back further and further, ultimately sleeping with him. David eventually proposes to Jenny, and she accepts. Shortly after, she discovers that not only is David already married, but he has had affairs with younger women before. Devastated, Jenny must pick up the pieces of her life and face the bridges she burned in order to be with David.

I know, right now you all are thinking "Why would anyone watch this movie???" And, come to think of it, why would I watch it, much less write about it? Well, bear with me . . . I'm getting there!

The most striking element of this story is its portrayal of Jenny's loss of innocence and the failure of the adults in her life, particularly her parents. 

The loss of innocence in this film is sobering, even haunting, because it is conscious. It is not the story of a poor innocent girl who is completely oblivious to what is happening. Jenny may have been deceived in David's marital status, but in most other respects, she is fully aware of the truth. Her disillusionment is not a fall, sudden and unexpected, but is more like walking beside a line in the sand. She walks along the line, and every time she encounters something that crosses the line, she rationalizes - redrawing the line, convincing herself that she had simply drawn the line in the wrong place to begin with. Finally, she realizes how far she has strayed from the original line. Her discovery of David's deception serves as a wake-up call, revealing to her how very misguided and young she truly was. 
Even more disturbing is what even allows this to take place - the adults in Jenny's life, especially her parents. All her life, Jenny's parents have been preparing her for Oxford University. Everything she does, every extracurricular activity, every class is viewed through the lens of "how does this affect your chances for Oxford?" But the reason for this narrow purpose is poorly explained at best and at worst, mercenary and superficial. It is implied that Jenny must work very hard to get a good education, to get a good job, so that she can enjoy the good life. If you really think about what is implied by the guidance she receives from her parents and from the head school mistress, it is no wonder that she was able to redraw her line so many times. Underneath all the morals she is given is some kind of idea of profit. "Don't do this because it might spoil your chances for this", etc. 
Really, it's no wonder Jenny sees (or convinces herself to see) no problem with her relationship with David, or with the fact that she gives up her chances at Oxford to be with him. If all that she was working towards was 'the good life', then why not take a short cut? Why not marry a man that can give her all that, right now?
Disturbingly absent is any advice to Jenny about the inappropriate nature of her relationship with David. Sure, her parents were greatly deceived in David's character and intentions, but still . . . would you let your young, pretty daughter go on trips, especially overnight, with an older man you barely knew?
The only voice of reason in Jenny's life is one of her teachers, who cautions her repeatedly. But at this point it is too late, and she is not a large enough part of Jenny's life to have the right influence. 

 In the end, we see a very different Jenny than the bright, promising, naive schoolgirl we meet in the opening scenes. She has far more worldly wisdom than before, but we have the distinct feeling that this is not a good thing, not at all. As she says to her teacher, "I feel old. But not very wise."

The Jenny that narrates the closing scene is jaded and disenchanted. She gets into Oxford by the skin of her teeth. And she has other relationships, but even her comments on these are telling. 
The last lines of the film are somewhat wistful. Is she trying to regain what she has lost?
"One of the boys I dated, and they were boys, suggested that we go to Paris and I said I'd always wanted to see Paris . . . As if I'd never been."



This film is one of those that is really hard to recommend. It is very well done, haunting, thought-provoking. But at the same time, it deals with delicate subject matter. To put it bluntly, it is an affair and while the sexual side of it is not the main focus, it is present.
Which brings me back to the question of art for the sake of art. When is the line crossed? Honestly, I don't know. I know when a movie is completely, without question, wholesome, and I can recognize a film that is clearly trash and without redeeming value. But this kind of movie baffles me. It reminds me of something my art professor told our class this semester. To paraphrase, he said:
"As Christian artists, you can depict sin. You can even depict sin without incorporating redemption. However, we cannot ever glorify sin."

Does this film depict sin? Yes.
Does it depict sin without redemption? Yes. That is why the ending feels so hopeless.
Does it glorify sin? I don't think so. She is often miserable and on edge, even during the affair.

And yet, I want to learn from Jenny's example. How am I redrawing my line? I never want to come to the point where I rationalize myself in territory that I never would have walked into directly. Which is where the role of the Holy Spirit and daily time in God's word come into play.

So . . . to a young adult not easily influenced and not opposed to the occasional use of the fast-forward button, this film, approached cautiously, may encourage some thought about morality aside from God [or the lack thereof], how innocence is lost, and real tragedy. Which is more than I can say for most of the mindless entertainment to be found in the theater today . . .
 

  

We all have our nerdy moments . . . don't we?

I'm convinced that music must have some scientific, explainable effect on the emotions.

Why else would I choke up every time Idina Menzel reaches the climax of "Defying Gravity"?

There are certain pieces of music - classical, Broadway, anything genre really (except rap . . . I have yet to moved by a rap song) - that bring some unexplainable moisture to my eyes, every single time I hear them.

Music pulls at the emotions in ways that no other form of expression can. It sweeps us along with it, and we become caught up in the swells of emotion that are captured within. Is it the emotions of the composer? The performer? Or does it simply bring to the surface emotions which we had no idea that we were feeling?

Sometimes I think of music as an river, or ocean, or some other body of water. {only, not a stagnant one, otherwise my analogy ceases to apply} You get caught in the current, swept along - even sometimes against your will - and must go where ever it wants to take you.

Listen to some of these. {well performed, please} Only, please don't tell me if they don't affect you . . . I'd rather be happily oblivious to the extent of my 'nerdiness' . . .

• "Fable" and "The Light in the Piazza" - both from the musical "The Light in the Piazza
• Piu Jesu
• See, I'm Smiling - from 'The Last Five Years'
• Chopin's Ballade in G minor
• Several of Bach's Preludes for cello
• Jacqueline du'Pre's performance of the Elgar Cello concerto

{etc, etc, etc}



Especially listen to this - beauty in the form of operatic voices: I dare you not to be moved.

{disclaimer} It is long, but persevere to the end! {or at least the halfway point}
And in case you don't know who Placido Domingo is . . . you should.

~ For heights and depths no words can reach, music is the soul's own speech.

Discomfort is beneficial?

I went to a spring break retreat in Texas this past weekend.

     Side note: Texas is beautiful. I want to live there. Like, now.


The series of lessons was on Holiness.

Could there possibly a more convicting topic?? I think not.


It was definitely a weekend full of "Yes, Lord. I'm listening." moments. 

It was like the pastor was talking directly to me. Uncomfortable? Yes. But absolutely necessary.

One lesson in particular has been like an annoyingly persistent alarm clock, replaying in my mind every few hours ever since. 


Holiness as Silence and Solitude

I love distractions. Don't you?

In the quiet, it's harder to hide, to ignore.

Especially in this day and age, distractions are so easy to come by. We live in unreality. We fill our minds with the music, stories, and useless information that constantly bombard us.

And, oh, how the college life is FULL of distractions.

The pastor read to us this excerpt from Thomas Merton's book Thoughts in Solitude, which I thought was extremely potent.

"There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality . . . When our life feeds on unreality, it must starve. It must therefore die."

That's a hard lesson to learn, because we are afraid of the silence. Or, at least, I know I am. 
When I am surrounding myself with noise, I can pretend that everything is fine. But, in the silence, I am forced to confront the fact that all is not well.

The Bible says "Be still and know that I am God."
In Solitude, in the silence, we are no longer able to hide from the Holy Spirit's voice.
We see ourselves as we truly are.

But, this is good. Healthy.
We need to be reminded of how fallible we truly are. 
It is only when we admit that we have a problem that we can ask God to help us solve it.
It is only when we admit that we are lacking that we can improve.

It is only when we step back from unreality that we can see it with the right perspective.

It's a hard lesson to learn.
And one that I think I will always be learning, in this earthly life, at least.

My prayer and "resolution" for the rest of the semester is that God will teach me to silence the noise, ignore the distractions, and 'be still' before Him.

Because nothing scares me more than the idea of becoming spiritual dry and dead.

Oh Lord, let me never become content with where I am spiritually. Never.    

I don't love you . . . But I always will

I love the depth of this song.

You only know what I want you to.
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison
Your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you
but I always will.
Oh I don't love you
but I always will
I don't love you
but I always will
I always will




I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back.
The less I give, the more I get back.
Your hands can heal
Your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice
But I'd still choose you.

Oh I don't love you
But I always will
I don't love you
But I always will
Oh I don't love you
But I always will
I always will


~ Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars

Disclaimer: these are the musings of a girl who has never been in love. I don't claim to have first-hand knowledge of any of this.


I think this really captures the side of love and marriage that we don't normally think about. 

When you're in that close of a relationship with someone, I would imagine that you get to know that person's deepest flaws and imperfections.

We romantics may forget that marriage is a relationship between two human sinners.

Maybe, the beauty of the (lasting) marriage relationship is when you truly know that person, imperfections and all, but you consciously choose to love that person.

because love is a choice, not a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Joy Williams said this about this song.
"Poison & Wine is a musical snapshot about the dichotomy of love - that while it can be the thing that destroys you, it can also be the very same thing that beckons and builds you. JP and I are both married have been for several years now - and we got to talking one day about what a tug and pull our individual relationships can be. The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid. This song was our attempt at being as brutally honest about the dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known."


Beautiful song, beautiful video